Heart Broken....

Adoption is such a beautiful thing.  When I see families that are so obviously pieced together through the adoption process, it brings tears to my eyes.  We just recently had an all day training with Buckner foster/adopt families.  To see all of the families pour into one room with children of all ages, races, disabilities, tragedies, it is awe inspiring.   Black families with white foster and/ or adopted children, white families with black foster and or adopted children is such a exhilarating sight.  It gets under skin and you realize what life is really about.

Fostering/Adopting has really changed our lives for sure and we want more.  Last year I thought I was so overwhelmed homeschooling 2 boys.  HA!  What a joke :)

My heart right now is so overwhelmed with emotion though.  Steve and I have been praying about a little boy that crossed our path a few months ago.  We saw his picture on a waiting child website and were instantly smitten.  He is adorable.  We were totally hooked when we saw the video of this child.  The description they give you on these websites are limited and vague.  All we could gather is that he was 8 years old and had some "mild" learning disabilities.   We contacted his caseworker through our caseworker.  We told them that we were interested in getting some more information about him.  Some time passed and we still hadn't heard about him.  I contacted my caseworker at Buckner and she called his caseworker back.   That afternoon we got the news.  He was autistic.   My heart sunk a bit but understanding that the spectrum for autism is so broad, I didn't deter us really at all.  Since he was classified as mild, I assumed that it was more in the Asperbergers spectrum.  We are fine with adopting a disabled child.  Right after we were told about his disability, we were placed with our newest foster son.  Life is always nuts right after that so we put this little boy on hold and decided to pray about him.

I thought about him everyday.  I couldn't figure out why with all the craziness in my life why this little boy was  constantly on my mind.  I told Steve this and being the awesome man he ism he said "Let's find out more".  So I called his caseworker.  We talked at length about him.  His tragic story of being taken away from bio mom for abuse and drug use.  Being adopted by his foster family only to have them 2 years later relinquish their rights and drop him off a state institution. How he was never nurtured until his latest foster family and how with their love has exhibited great progress.  That he is a sweet, affectionate boy that is doing well in school, loves animals and with proper care will grow up to be a fantastic man.

I got off the phone with her after 2 hours excited about him.  We  could do this.  It won't be without it's hardships or stresses but he deserves a home that loves and supports him.  I even went as far as to condemn his adoptive parents for giving him up so easily.  How dare they throw away this child bc he is not "perfect".

So the next step was to get all of his paperwork.  This would include all exams, medical and psychological, foster mother notes, background of bio family, etc.

Well, I got that yesterday.  I poured over all of the papers.  Read every line.  Even had my MIL here on a visit and bc she is highly specialized in Special Ed, had her go over all of the testing data.  I came away exhausted mentally and with a very heavy heart.   This little boy had been grossly misrepresented to me.  My heart strings were plucked for a child that I was told was desperate for a family to love him.  What I read was exactly the opposite.  This was an incredibly violent and profoundly mentally handicapped little boy.  He could barely function on a coherent level most of the time.  I read the detailed report as to why his adoptive family relinquished their rights and felt even more sadness.  At six years old this little boy had severely beaten and threaten to kill the families other son that was younger.  After being instituionalized for a while, they learned that he had schizophrenia, ODD and borderline personality.  In other words, no empathy for anyone.  He was anti-social on top of autistic.   And there was so much more than just this too.....

Why would they misrepresent things like that?  The Department knew all of these facts when I called.  They knew these things when they made a video, that know when I go back and look at is obviously doctored to paint this little boy in the best light.  They knew these things when we talked at length on the phone and I specifically asked if he would be okay with younger children in the home.  Not a word was spoken of this.

I am so overwhelmed  and burdened with emotion now.  I am desperately praying for this child.  He does deserve a forever family that can love him and care for his specific needs.  I just don't think it can be our family.

I am so sad now.....  I am trying to understand why I can' get this little boy off my heart....